Take Two and Call Me in the Afterlife

Last night I couldn’t sleep. What else is new? So I decided to try this new drug I got the other day, Lunesta. I’d seen the commercial for it and this lady who couldn’t get enough shut eye for the longest was having the time of her life just sleeping all by her lonesome and dreaming about a glow in the dark butterfly. Of course, I just had to ask my doctor about it. I mean they tell you flat out, ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT LUNESTA.

I know they say that about all the drugs and even though I tend to be an equal opportunity druggie there are some drugs I’ve seen advertised that I wouldn’t take if they gave them away free. Like Lunesta’s main competitor in the television commercial wars, Rozeram. It doesn’t even sound good. When I hear Rozeram I don’t know why but I think of bedsores and hemorrhoids. And I hate their commercial. Why on earth would I want to dream about Abe Lincoln or that other hideous beast?

Lunesta on the other hand, sounds like a loony siesta! Like a crazy funny nap full of fun dreams like the kind I used to have when I was a kid and didn’t worry so much. I’d dream about riding bicycles upside down in a haunted house or going to school naked on a day when there was no school and then the principal wouldn’t let me leave unless I drove the school bus home and it was pouring down rain and surprisingly mountainous for Miami.

Now when I sleep, which isn’t too often, I dream about getting into car accidents or trying to sell the house. Maybe that’s why I don’t enter the R.E.M. state as often. It’s just not that much fun anymore.

So last night, I was about to take a Lunesta because I was beginning to look like a crazed raccoon, but then I noticed this tiny little sticker carelessly applied sideways on the bottle at an angle. If I hadn’t had so much trouble trying to remove the childproof cap I might not have even seen the whispered warning, Avoid alcohol.

Avoid Alcohol?! Why do they always have to say that? When I read those words I picture myself walking down a narrow hallway lined with bottles and glasses and having to pull my elbows in so I won’t knock anything over. But do they really mean that if I wash the pill down with a few drinks I’ll sleep, sure, like a baby, but then I won’t wake up? Or is it just a typical C.Y.A statement?

If it’s really so dangerous to drink alcohol with this medication why don’t they use a bigger sticker, plaster it straight on the front of the label and use a larger font with all caps and a lot more stern warning like DON’T DRINK ANY ALCOHOL WHATSOEVER WHILE TAKING THIS DRUG OR YOU WILL DIE! They should also have like a little logo of maybe a wine, beer or whiskey bottle with a skull and crossbones on it too.

Damn! I’d already had a few glasses of wine, so I was worried about taking the pill. Would I get some much needed beauty sleep or end up six feet deep? I decided to read the ACCOMPANYING PERSONAL PRESCRIPTION INFORMATION.

May cause drowsiness. I laughed out loud. That’s a good one—a sleeping pill that causes drowsiness. No problem. But then I kept reading and the rest was not as amusing.

Side effects may include, but are not limited to: dizziness, heart palpitations, dry eyes, sore throat, upset stomach, nausea, wooziness (I love that word. I read it twice aloud just to hear the sweet sound of it) slurred speech, double vision, drooling, prickly rash, fever, chills, swelling of hands and feet, headache, tingling, numbness, snoring, shortness of breath, swelling, lumps, bumps, hives, itchy eyelids, droopy drawers (ok I made that one up) memory loss, hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, decreased sexual desire, seizures, coma, and untimely death. Well, it just said death. I added the untimely. But, not limited to death even? What so then you could die and then maybe burn in hell, or have to do community service for eternity?

Finally in all capital letters it said, DO NOT DRIVE OR OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY WHILE TAKING THIS MEDICATION.

That’s another fuzzy warning. Do they mean like don’t be a multi-tasking fool and try to juggle a pill jar, a glass of water and a steering wheel? Or are they saying that AFTER you take this medication and you’re stumbling around in your pajamas all woozy and drowsy, drooling and hallucinating and clutching your heart you might want to think twice before hopping on a tractor and heading out to plow a field?

I wish the drug manufacturers would be more clear and straightforward about this stuff. I read the insert three times and still wasn’t sure if I could safely take the pill but I was nodding off anyway just straining to read the tiny print.